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zombielily

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Thought I'd update you on where you can find me :)

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In the New Year

3 min read
I'm sure you have all noticed that I'm not really active on here, and haven't been for about a year and a half. Things are changing for me, and both with my mental and now physical health, I've taken huge steps away from the internet.

I used to check DA every day for most of my time I've had an account here. Even on trips around the world, I'd go to internet cafes and check in, use my data on my phones, library's at college, etc. DA used to be so important to me and over time people have left, disappeared and moved on.

It's time for me to move on as well. It's not that I'm not interested in my online friendships, but I have so much going on in my daily life that I don't have the spare time I used to.

I barely finish artwork, my hands constantly hurt from drawing so much all of the time, and DA doesn't give me the satisfaction it use to of communicating and engaging with people on here like it used to. I've been burnt out from commenting since my first year of college (that's since 2009). I'm sure it's highly noticeable that I only fav things now, but as much as I want to just be like 'wow I love this! Very cool!' I know that, those are the comments a lot of you would rather not have at all. I remember writing huge novels for my friends and really digging into their artwork. I still look at everyone's art that way, if not more, but I just don't have the energy or brain to write it down into words to express how much I really enjoy something.

I want to draw gifts for my friends on here, I want to talk to you more, but I can't. I don't have any energy to even do things for myself, let alone for other people. I feel very trapped in my depression and social anxiety, and honestly that's the worst part. I've deleted a lot of IM chat software because I can't handle talking to people anymore. It's not one or two specific people, it's everyone. A part of me is so happy that people want to talk to me, but I feel like I can't live up to who I was socially a long time ago.

I'm so tired, and this is one less thing I need to check. I won't be deactivating my account, but I won't continue to post up anymore artwork after December of this year. In the new year I will post up a new journal with where you can find me, and see my new stuff (when it happens), but DA is just not for me anymore. My artwork will be left up for you to save anything I've done for you, look back on it, or for future people to find, I myself just won't be here.

I want to continue making art, sure, but it's taken a new direction that I've been having trouble finding an audience for on DA. I hope you understand and continue following me elsewhere on my artistic journey.

I'm rambling now, but I don't want it to come as a surprise to anyone when the day comes. I've been considering it for a long time now, and this is the year I will finally put this page to rest.
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I'll be back at it again at Fan Expo this year :) Tons of merch, ranging from shirts, enamel pins, normal pin back buttons, pocket mirrors, magnets, skirts, prints, stickers and other fun accessories!

Find me at table A442! Come say hi!
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Needed to push that journal off my page.

I'm really busy with conventions and my job right now and I'm stressed out and I don't know how to slow down or stop or do anything and everything is suffering. Time to die.
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I'm sure you have noticed the decline of cosplay photos on my page.

Cosplay is a hobby, and for me, its not even something I personally do anymore. I crack open the cosplay closet every so often at events, but realistically, I don't have the energy or money to go to many events and get new costumes. I'd love to continue to dress up, especially as my dream cosplays, but conventions for me are more about having a booth and getting my artwork out there and meeting other artists.

I never felt like I fit in with the cosplay crowd, and a lot of them don't even talk to me anymore since I stopped attending conventions as an attendee. I don't know if it's me as a person, or because I didn't have time and money to dress up.

When I look at these photos, I see someone who is trying deseperately to fit in, make as many people happy as possible without any regard to her own happiness, and is dressing up for someone else. A majority of my costumes were picked because I was trying to impress someone, or I was apart of a group. I can say with confidence that my favourite costumes are ones I did just for fun, like Velma, Rose and Cherry. I truly enjoyed those characters and felt I could be them with little effort. I remember choosing costumes based on if the photographer liked that series or not. Did the person I was dating like a cartoon? Who is the character they like? Better be that then. Everyone likes being told they look nice, and because my self esteem was so low at that point that I honestly craved the positive feedback in an unhealthy way. I NEEDED this validation, but people weren't looking at me, they were looking at the character I was.

Because of this unhealthy mentality, I was taken advantage a lot of the time within the cosplay community. Money, time, emotions, and even physically. I shyed away from it when I found out that someone was using me for their own personal fetish, as I felt disgusting and angry. Finding my cosplay photos on other sites and seeing the gross comments people leave are so dehumanizing. Then to come here and find the same traffic and comments either from said sites or people sharing my username was just as bad.

I want to be an artist in a different way, and making new products and selling items that are personal to me is so thrilling. It's a happiness I cannot begin to explain. I only felt that way a few times while wearing cosplay. I was always too worried about being made fun of, finding a shitty candid photo of myself online, reading crappy comments on forums, if I looked pretty enough, the accuracy of the outfit, etc. I thought this was suppose to be fun? The amount of stress it gave me was wild. Like, just as bad as attending college for animation, which was sleepless nights and lots of crying. My costumes weren't even good for the amount of time and money I put into them.

I've been selling and donating my costumes for the past 4-5 years now, and I think it's time to just move on from these. Some photos I really enjoy and like, and might keep them up for now, but others just bring back such a sad time in my life.

Slowly, I have been trying to learn to love myself for who I am. Wear what I want, and look like how I want to. It's been an uphill battle for me, but I feel like I am finally coming to some sort of agreement with myself when it comes to self image. Will I dress up in the future? Probably. Will I keep attending conventions? Maybe not as much. Do I still love the art of cosplay? Absolutely.

I just felt like it was time to close this chapter.
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Featured

Where to Find Me! by zombielily, journal

In the New Year by zombielily, journal

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Removal of Cosplay Photos by zombielily, journal